I’ve just returned to my hotel room in Szczecin. I’m here for the second round of dental work. I went to the nearby shopping mall to eat at Pizza Hut. It’s my way of spoiling myself, as I don’t think I’ll be able to get myself to eat any sort of solids over the next week or more. Don’t judge me.
This time I’m here by myself, and I’m not feeling to hot about it. I have massive anxiety when it comes to dentists, and this trip will be pure murder. Bone rebuilding of my lower left jaw, four implants, two root canals and three permanent bridges.
The first trip I had the Doctor with me, and while I was likely not the jolliest of travel partners then, I sure could use her with me now. I’m in a strange city, with people speaking a language I don’t understand. I’m holed up in my hotel room, the room that’s going to be my world for the next four days – that is, when I’m not sitting in the dentists chair.
It’s incredibly anxiety inducing, being here. I feel isolated and looking forward I can see four days of painful dental surgery, and complete exhaustion as my body tries to rebuild and recover. I am not a fan, and if I could I would run away from this right this instant.
I’ve been trying to sleep for the past four hours. I’ve been doing the insomnia shuffle. It’s become a familiar pattern for the last couple of months.
You see, I’ve been out from work on sick leave. Stress, it seems, has finally done me well and truly in.
Normally my nights consists simply of me tossing and turning until something snaps and I collapse into a state of not-really-sleep, that’ll last anywhere between four to six hours. Then I’ll wake up and be awake for anywhere between sixteen to twentyfour hours, before collapsing again. Rinse repeat.
I’m shaking as I’m typing this. About an hour ago my heart was racing a thousand miles an hour, my fight-or-flight response was triggered, I was hyperventilating and all my senses were on high alert. Why? Who the fuck knows.
I’ve had a few of these lately. I say lately … I mean within the last couple of months. But it’s gotten increasingly bad.
Maybe it’s all the changes that are happening? Maybe I’m just losing my mind?
It’s unusual for me to not be in control. I mean, not complete and absolute self-control. But at least have some sort of vibe about how, what and where. I feel like I’ve lost that. Many times I get that same sensation you get when you’re almost asleep, and your brain somehow get’s tricked into thinking that you’re falling, and it wakes you up to brace for the impact. That second of shock, disorientation and panic, yea? That’s been my ongoing sensation for at least 70% of the time for the last 2-3 months.
It’s a real treat, I tell ya. I am genuinely terrified. I’m starting to think I can’t trust my own thought processes, because idiotic and irrational ideas keep creeping in, and if I follow them to their conclusion I know I will permanently damage relationships with people I hold very dear. It’s not going terribly well over here.
I find it increasingly difficult to focus these days. I’m stretched too thin. Like butter scraped over too much bread (thanks, Bilbo).
The problem is that all the things that are drawing on me are all unequivocally good things. But it’s draining, and I find my usual barriers and defences aren’t working anymore. I shut down at times, and just sit there, staring into space. I react, rather than act. And things are breaking inside me because of that.
Emotionally I’m drained, which isn’t that unreasonable given that I sleep like shit and eat even worse. It’s not entirely wrong to say that I am neglecting myself. Put myself on hold, to try and do everything else all at once. And that means nothing gets done. Which means I get exhausted, depressed and confused. I feel anxiety attacks pressing at the back of my eyes, but I don’t really have anything to worry about.
Oddly enough it has nothing to do with my work. Everything is awesome at work. Great colleagues, exciting tasks and all that. It’s everything else. I’m trying to run an association, while organising a convention, while preparing for an extended roleplaying trip, while releasing a couple of open-source projects, while … while … while …
Is it any wonder that I feel fucked up? I hope not.
In fact I often find myself fluctuating between states of extreme energy and joy that, in the span of less than half an hour, can flip to feelings of depression and despondency.
Maybe it’s just because so many things are new. I’ve been at the new job less than two months, and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t taxing to travel back and forth between Aarhus and Copenhagen. Then there’s this girl that’s been on my mind a lot, and the aforementioned convention that we’re still unsure about whether it’ll be a success. So much going on, it’s just … a bit too much I think.
Maybe I just need to centre myself again. Previously I’ve been fairly good at realising when my mental balance was beginning to go of kilter. And I’d been able to react accordingly. Not so much these days, I must admit. I guess it’s just about me learning to relax again, and take things as they come.