I’ve been trying to sleep for the past four hours. I’ve been doing the insomnia shuffle. It’s become a familiar pattern for the last couple of months.
You see, I’ve been out from work on sick leave. Stress, it seems, has finally done me well and truly in.
Normally my nights consists simply of me tossing and turning until something snaps and I collapse into a state of not-really-sleep, that’ll last anywhere between four to six hours. Then I’ll wake up and be awake for anywhere between sixteen to twentyfour hours, before collapsing again. Rinse repeat.
I’m shaking as I’m typing this. About an hour ago my heart was racing a thousand miles an hour, my fight-or-flight response was triggered, I was hyperventilating and all my senses were on high alert. Why? Who the fuck knows.
I’ve had a few of these lately. I say lately … I mean within the last couple of months. But it’s gotten increasingly bad.
Maybe it’s all the changes that are happening? Maybe I’m just losing my mind?
It’s unusual for me to not be in control. I mean, not complete and absolute self-control. But at least have some sort of vibe about how, what and where. I feel like I’ve lost that. Many times I get that same sensation you get when you’re almost asleep, and your brain somehow get’s tricked into thinking that you’re falling, and it wakes you up to brace for the impact. That second of shock, disorientation and panic, yea? That’s been my ongoing sensation for at least 70% of the time for the last 2-3 months.
It’s a real treat, I tell ya. I am genuinely terrified. I’m starting to think I can’t trust my own thought processes, because idiotic and irrational ideas keep creeping in, and if I follow them to their conclusion I know I will permanently damage relationships with people I hold very dear. It’s not going terribly well over here.